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Tuesday, May 31

Could anything be more serious?

Over the years, this blog has touched on many different topics. We’ve examined politics, religion, science, humor, tragedy, sarcasm, even stupidity. Believe it or not there are still a few we haven’t discussed. Like things we all do but take for granted such as sexual, religious, puritanical, ethnic, racist or personal reasons and why we choose to ignore them because they can make us blind or get us hurt or killed.

I’d like to get serious for a moment about a topic that involves all of us. The sooner we put this behind us, the sooner we can move on. This may be THE topic of the 2012 primaries, the Congressional Elections and even, yes, the Presidency! Nothing can be more important than this subject.

Yes. I’m talking about toilet paper…and how business has used greed to short change us.

There are a number of types of toilet paper, from ultra, downy soft (that won’t hold up to almost any kind of finger pressure but for some reason business thinks bears use it) to the brown paper towel-like roughage you find in Europe, Asia and most truck stops.

Back in the late 90s, Scott Tissue led the way in screwing the public by reducing their costs at the expense of the size of the sheets and increasing the price of the tissue. You may not know this but toilet paper sheets used to be a full 5 inches long by 4.5 inches wide! Those sheets were also around 5 thousandths of an inch thick. This provided a “comfort zone” for those who use the one of two procedures known as “fold and wipe.”

Normally, 4 sheets were removed from the roll, folded in half then in half again resulting in a nice piece 5 inches wide by 4.5 inches long and very comfortably and safely thick. If things weren’t especially oozily, liquidishly or gelatinously messy you could get by using just the four-fold sheets. Even if things were more like trying to clean up a tube of spilled toothpaste, one or two additional “folded sheet” combos were all that were required.

Scott Tissue bragged their rolls had a thousand sheets. This was great for it meant less trips to the store to purchase that necessity of life. If you used only 4 or 8 sheets of the "fold and wipe" procedure at a “sitting”, that one roll could last a family of 4 for nearly 2 weeks freeing up money for more frivolous desires.

The other type of “user” is the “baller.” They are typically Republicans who don’t care about money or the environment. Ballers roll off an exorbitant amount of toilet paper by winding it, seemingly, forever around their hand under the notion that unless 10 or 20 feet is used, some of the effluent could reach their pristine hand thus necessitating extra time at the sink to clean said hand (IF many actually use the sink or know how to!).

Ballers also don’t seem to give a shit (no pun intended) for saving trees as is evidenced by their “who cares” attitude while using as much tissue as possible otherwise they’d change to the “folded sheet” method. After all, they reason if their God didn’t want them to waste tissue on waste, he wouldn’t have given them and loggers dominion over the trees.

But here’s the gist of this article. Scott Tissue and now all the others have been reducing the size and thickness of toilet paper these last few years. You’d be hard pressed to find any sheets larger than 4.5 inches wide by the now tiny 3.75 inches long! And the thickness has steadily decreased from 5 thousands of an inch to a see-though 2.5 thousandths of an inch!

An original roll of Scott Tissue (on E-Bay they probably go for thousands of dollars per) was 416 feet long. Today that same roll of 90s tissue is only 312 feet long or 25% less. Since the thickness has deceased by half, to make it look as though you’re still getting “SOME” kind of product, instead of something the size of a roll of quarters, they have slyly increased the diameter of the cardboard tube the tissue is rolled on so it looks the same size as before.

The total volume of tissue used to be around 125 cubic inches. Today that roll provides 43 cubic inches or about a 250% decrease in volume at a 300% increase in price and profit! You can guess what that reduction does to the absorbency of their product...not that they really give a shit!

With this reduction in product though, these anti-turd peddlers are taking advantage of the public and have increased the wipe price from 59 cents a roll to $1.49 each! Now I’m all for making a decent profit by business but this is one item that is not up for negotiation! To say these tissue companies have us by the ass would be, well, correct.

When man was first starting out, back 6000 years ago according to Palinites, toilet paper was unheard of. The Sarahs of the day used smooth stones, twigs, leaves, fingers or sometimes nothing to take the place of toilet paper. E. Coli flourished. They then invented soap. We’ve come a long way since the first Sarah used the skin of a rabbit (insert joke about bears and a rabbit in the woods), Sabre Tooth, Mastodon or baby Raptor for her hygiene. But the greed of today’s business to take advantage of an absolute necessity is appalling.

At the current rate of decrease in size of this valuable commode-ity, it won’t be long before a simple finger spray-on will be developed, probably from some fossil fuel that will allow the Tissue Business to further increase their greedy profits. Then Wall Street speculators can get in on the greed.

Oh, some have suggested ways to “green up” the issue from allowing Monsanto to produce GMO foods that just turn to gas (with no solids to expel) to solar wipes (you use your fingers, let them dry in the sun then chip the solids off your fingers and from under your nails!)

I urge you to write your Representative and complain today. Ultra thin toilet tissue might just account for the odor emanating from Washington. This could become a very sticky subject for future generations because the mess won’t get any better. Tell them to make thick toilet paper a right for everyone. This is no subject to take sitting down. I’ve been behind this issue for years and have considered telling Scott Tissue and others what they could do with their product…but they already do that!

Next time, we’ll discuss reducing flatulence in humans to lessen pollution in the air.

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