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Sunday, March 27

GOP Candidate Cattle Call - Moooo!

Yeehaw! Git along thar, little dawgies!

It's time to take a peek at the current herd of people who either want to run for the GOP Presidential nomination, or are thinking about it, or are getting a lot of face time on FOX while Sean Hannity masturbates all over himself.

Let's begin, and kindly remember that these are my own observations. As a Republican, I may be asked to choose one of these people. I'll do it in alphabetical order.

Michelle Bachmann: Sweet Unholy Cthulhu, this person makes Sarah Palin sound like a lineal descendant of Goethe. I once stated that Palin lowered the collective IQ every time she opened her mouth; Bachmann tosses it into the toilet and jumps up and down on it. She appeals to the Tea Party, which goes to show how much anti-intellectualism has grown in this country.

Haley Barbour: The Governor of the poorest state in the Union, and he obviously likes it that way. Notable for heading up a lobbying group that supported nasty people like Qaddaffy Duck back when supporting him was fashionable. Also notable for trying to paper over Mississippi's hideous record on civil rights from back in the day.

John Bolton: The Mustache from Hell is trying to pass himself off as the reincarnation of Bismarck. The Iron Chancellor would rip you to shreds, Johnny-mop. Your idea of foreign policy is to bomb Iran. Trouble in Yemen? Bomb Iran. Drug smugglers in Mexico? Bomb Iran. You're a one-note song, just like Tom Tancredo, and you'll last about as long.

Herman Cain: Who? Oh yeah. So far he's the only African-American in the field, and I don't expect him to last long. Since the glowing heart of the GOP is basically in the Old South and the Midwest, I don't anticipate him getting any traction.

Mitch Daniels: Midwestern Governor, and one of the guys whose attempts at breaking unions is driving his rating numbers into the sewer. He might end up having a tenure in state office about as long as The Half-Term Governor's was.

Newton Gingrich: Newt is an example of what passes for "family values" in the modern GOP. A serial adulterer who piously tries to explain his randy nature away by saying that a) he's now a Catholic and therefore forgiven, and/or b) his adultery was spurred on by the fact he loves America so much. If he loves America so much, America had better watch out - he plans on screwing her, then dumping her for a younger, prettier country if things go bad.

Mike Huckabee: The Priest-Governor of Arkansas is playing stupid-coy right now, but his early poll numbers look halfway decent so he might take another stab at the White House. However, the fact that he's still ordained makes him instantly suspect.

John Huntsman: Former Ambassador, Mormon and apart from that, I know nothing about him other than he's probably not going to win anything.

Fred Karger: Gay rights advocate and Reagan adviser. The first thing will almost certainly guarantee that he won't win anything (other than the Leather Daddy vote).

Sarah Palin: Since we're talking about The Shrilla from Wasilla, she recently did a tour of India and Israel in an attempt to give herself some foreign policy chops. It didn't go very well; she pissed off the Chinese a tad, one of her speaking engagements in India was a bit of a flop, and she was barred from entering Bethlehem because her staff didn't do all the required paperwork. Some are saying that she won't run, and I'm inclined to agree - she's making more money hawking trashy books and running her yap than she'd make as President.

Rand Paul: Self-certified eye doctor. Hates abortion, civil rights and the 14th Amendment. Tea Party darling. Might win a few things if he can learn to keep his mouth shut.

Ron Paul: Has about the same amount as smarts and self-restraint as his idiot son. Makes noises like a Randite Libertarian, which not only makes him suspect, but anathema. Rand says that he won't run against his father, so how about a father/son team? Paul and Paul in 2012 - that's a prospect to make the Potomac burn like the Biblical Lake of Fire, isn't it?

Tim Pawlenty: Former Governor of Minnesota, I think, and the kind of fellow who makes even the people who listen to Prairie Home Companion nod off. You recall how Erwin Rommel was called 'The Desert Fox?' Your epithet is 'The Insurance Salesman,' Timmy. You make Adlai Stevenson and Estes Kefauver look like real stem-winders.

Willard "Mitt" Romney: Mittens has a problem, and it's not the fact he's Mormon (which makes him suspect in the eyes of many members of the "Christian Right"). His biggest problem is that the mandate section of the Affordable Care Law is identical to a similar bit of Massachusetts' health care law, which Romney not only signed, but still supports. Mittens, you are going to have trouble with the Tea Party people - you know, the ones in Medicare-subsidized motorized wheelchairs who insist that the government stay away from their health care.

Rick Santorum: Former Senator from Pennsylvania and famously took a miscarried fetus home with him to let his kids meet their quondam brother. The Urban Dictionary website has an entry on him - his last name stands for something naughty. He's a moron, and it shows.

Donald Trump: Oy flipping vey, what a deal he's selling here. Fabulously rich, but is it enough to buy the Presidency? He's certainly got all the narcissism and delusions of grandeur necessary to be a modern politician, plus the Slave Media love him to tiny bits. Speaking of tiny bits, he's also a serial adulterer like Gingrich, a full-class Birther and able to spread a smooth layer of bullshit. I can see a theme of his campaign speeches: "Vote for a Rich Man - The Poor Man's Friend." The Tea Party will lick the soles of his designer shoes.

So there you have it. Depressing, isn't it? Not an Eisenhower, Goldwater, or even a Nixon among them.

Bums, scrubs and culls, the lot of them.

Is this the best my Party can do?

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