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Friday, October 15

Forget about gold!

I’m going to let you guys in on a little secret and a great, make that super great investment tip. It’s a secret I’ve learned from an economics professor who has had the uncanny ability to correctly predict the disasters we’ve faced for the last 6 years and his insights and writings have enabled me to make this bit of financial advice available to you for free.
Now, normally you’d pay big bucks to some Wall Street Broker or Financial Advisor for this kind of tip, but here it is for free:

Forget about gold! Forget about oil investments. Even forget about buying up land with water under it. Take all your money out of your banks, liquidate your 401Ks (if you have anything left in them), cash in any CDs and insurance policies, sell your new gas guzzler and buy a 1986 Corolla, sell your house and live with your parents or kids, take every penny you have or can get and invest, buy or steal every bit of stock in the companies that make Vaseline and Preparation H!
The return on just those two over the next 10 years will put you in the 36% tax bracket while you sip Grand Marnier (served by brown people) off the French Riviera on the deck of your yacht as you stuff your face with the most expensive cheese money can buy.


It seems the banks we bailed out are delaying the foreclosure stint so they will “appear” to lose money (they say they're doing everything the can. Does that sound familiar? Eh, Barry?), then since every politician knows those same banks are too big to fail, Congress and our “chains we can believe in” president will bail them out again! Simple, no?

You don’t have to be an economist to see what they’re doing.

You don’t have to be a math wizard to understand that if they spend more than they claim to take in, they could fail.

So. Banks give out huge bonuses (from the bailout they’ve already gotten from the taxpayers), stop lending to people and small business and sit on the money until the stock they owned drops low enough to buy it back at a huge profit, waste time telling America they're doing everything you can to help (someone!), then since their 1980s Reagan matured accountants, lawyers and financial usurers have made sure the books are as intelligible as a 25 inning score sheet, they'll cry to Congress for more money to bail them poor boys out.
The only problem they might face is not with the Republicans but whether the Democrats in Congress will prostrate themselves for the banks again.
Oh, they’ll use the same excuses they used the last time, because the public is even stupider this time and Congress knows it. And the politicians will do it with a smile this time instead of the feigned shock just like the last time.

Get ready to kick in even more of your tax dollars than you did last time and tighten your belts, save your pennies or whatever other cliché will be the phrase du jour. Oh, and Kleenex and toilet paper (but please don't squeeze the Charmin!) might not be a bad investment either.

Gold? Don’t make me laugh! A mere pittance. Sitting on cold, shiny metal can cause abnormal growths in certain areas and it really doesn't clean as well or provide healing or physical relief.

But if you invested in the stocks I mentioned, you should be sitting pretty, so to speak, while the rest of the country can’t get enough Vaseline and Preparation H!
…unless you think parts of your anatomy are already calloused enough to ignore the "coming" intrusions.

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