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Monday, April 14

Personal shit that might help someone

I know that I hardly ever write personal posts, so if you don't like personal posts, please don't read this. If you don't believe in depression or bi-polar, then don't read this either. Read all the other good stuff on the blog instead.

If you ever watch commercials for pharmaceuticals, you'd think that you would be swallowing poison that would kill you, what with all the side effects they are legally bound to mention. The side effect parts simply negate the beneficial part of the ad.

When my doctor recommended that I add Abilify to the my current morning cocktail because I had been complaining that I felt persecuted, useless, angry, irritable, scatterbrained, incoherent, had racing thoughts and felt destined to spend yet another season laying on the couch in a stupor, I said, "Have you seen the commercial for Abilify?" He begged me to try it for a week or two.

After the first week, I didn't feel much better and was considering not taking it anymore because I felt like going back to the couch. But I stuck with it for another week. As of Saturday, I turned back into my old self again. I feel great. I feel normal. yay! I was so artistically productive this weekend, I can hardly remember feeling this motivated to follow through with a project.

I had asked the doctor what would have happened to me had there not been antidepressants and he explained that someone like me would have had to be institutionalized when I got these episodes. It's not like I'm mental or delusional or anything. I just have fucked up brain chemicals which tell me that I am a fuck up or conversely, that I am invincible. Often I am not able to drag myself off the couch when the depression happens. When I get manic, I am sure to kill myself accidentally on purpose. That was what happened in my latest manic episode, but luckily I recognized that I was suicidal (it's not always that obvious.) Plus I had no good reason to be that way. Sure, I get sad like anyone else when something sad happens and in that case I can drag myself off the couch, but bi-polar is different than that.

Anyway, my message is that if anyone relates to the above, see a qualified, experienced doctor who knows these meds inside out and get some help. If one concoction doesn't work, do not give up. Talk to the doctor and explain your exact symptoms. It may take a bit of tweaking and you may have to tweak every year or so, but it's soooo worth it to feel just plain normal. I feel lucky that it only took me 15 years with the same doctor (LOL) to figure out how to deal with this- open my mouth and tell him exactly what I am feeling. My shyness could have killed me.

Now back to your regularly scheduled programming. heh
~Blondesense, the normal bimbo

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