I am writing to thank you for bouncing my check which I endeavored to pay my plumber last month.
By my calculations, three nanoseconds must have elapsed between his presenting the check and the arrival in my account of the funds needed to honor it.
I refer, of course, to the automatic monthly deposit of my entire pension, an arrangement which, I admit, has been in place for only eight years.
You are to be commended for seizing the brief window of opportunity, and also for debiting my account $30 by way of penalty for the inconvenience caused to your bank. My thankfulness springs from the manner in which this incident has caused me to rethink my errant financial ways.
I noticed that whereas I personally answer your telephone calls and letters when I try to contact you, I am confronted by the impersonal, overcharging, pre-recorded faceless entity which your bank has become. From now on I like you choose only to deal with a flesh and blood person.
My mortgage and loan repayments will therefore and hereafter no longer be automatic, but will arrive at your bank by check, addressed personally and confidentially to an employee at your bank whom you must nominate.
Be aware that it is an offense under the Postal Act for any other person to open such an envelope. Please find attached an Application Contact which I require your chosen employee to complete.
I am sorry it runs to eight pages but in order that I know as much about him or her as your bank knows about me, there is no alternative.
Please note that all copies of his/her medical history must be countersigned by a Notary Public and the mandatory details of his her financial situation (income,debts, assets and liabilities) must be accompanied by documented proof.
In due course at MY CONVENIENCE, I will issue your employee with a PIN number which he/she must quote in dealing with me. I regret that it cannot be shorter than 28 digits but, again, I have modeled it on the number of button presses required of me to access my account balance on your phone bank service.
As they say, imitation is the sincerest form of flattery! Let me level the playing field even further. When you call me, press the button as follows:
IMMEDIATELY AFTER DAILING PRESS THE STAR (*) BUTTON FOR ENGLISH
*1. To make an appointment to see me.
*2. To query a missed payment.
*3. To transfer the call to my living room in case I am there.
*4. To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I'm sleeping.
*5. To transfer to my toilet in case I am attending nature.
*6. To transfer to my cell phone if I am not at home.
*7. To leave a message on my computer a password to access my computer is required. Password will be communicated to you at a later date to that Authorized Contact mentioned earlier.
*8. To return to the main menu and to listen to option 1 through 7.
*9. To make a general complaint or injury the contact will be then put on hold pending the attention of my automated answering service.
*10. this is a second to press* for English.
While this may, on occasion, involve a lengthy wait, uplifting music will play for the duration of the call.
(Remember-- This was written by a 86-year-old woman. Which goes to show you that it's best to not tapper off, and yes, you can not always beat City Hall, but you sure as hell can arm wrestle them.