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Thursday, April 13

Yay!: War On Easter

After surviving the War On Christmas, I am gung ho for the War on Easter... and I have not one, but two reasons for supporting this war.

I've been reading about and watching clips from Faux Spews concerning this phenomenon. It appears that the Easter Bunny himself is under attack and they are unnerved by this. Well they are just stupid because the Easter Bunny is not Christian and the word Easter is not Christian.

Now if I were a practicing Christian, I would be warring against the commercialization of the most holy day of the year. It appears that all the pagan customs of Ishtar are more important than the blood sacrifice of the lord and savior. There is nothing in the bible about bunnies and Peeps. I might consider for a moment, if I were a religious person, that the Jews celebrated Passover to give religious meaning to the season and then the Christians celebrated Jesus' resurrection for the same reason, (just like Hannukah and Christmas coincide with the pagan rites for the shortest days of the year). But I probably wouldn't have a problem with that because it would be a good thing to outshine the pagans (if I were a religious person).

My second reason for condoning a war on Easter is all that candy. I have a chronic sweet tooth. There is just too much good candy out there this time of year. It's too tempting. Two months or so of sheer temptation (right after Valentine's Day) that sends my blood sugar reeling and rocking. How dare they tempt me with candy just short of swimsuit season? I can barely stand on line at CVS with a bottle of Advil without reaching out for some Cadbury eggs. Oh, the thrill of biting the ears off a chocolate bunny. Easter candy be damned and blamed for all the cavities I had as a kid and all the crowns and bridges I have as an adult.

I will be performing an experiment this spring by creating a pagan shrine out of Peeps, if I don't eat them first. I expect that once it hardens, it will stand the test of time. Be prepared for a photo essay.

I'd much prefer to celebrate the fertility ritual of spring and have lots of sex.

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