Kids need to know just how much God loves them and looks out for them. They need to know that if they follow the Lord, there is a good chance that God will not smite them, unless of course they live in tornado alley or the hurricane belt where God smites everyone for the sins of those heathens in blue states.
Being that I am qualified to teach scriptures in an historic and literary sense, I have a few suggestions as to what parts of the bible would be wonderful for kids to read. I should apply for the job.
If you're a kid who's drinking and acting all stubborn-like, you may be put to death. Painfully.
DT21:18-21 If a man have a stubborn and rebellious son, which will not obey the voice of his father, or the voice of his mother, and that, when they have chastened him, will not hearken unto them:
Then shall his father and his mother lay hold on him, and bring him out unto the elders of his city, and unto the gate of his place;
And they shall say unto the elders of his city, This our son is stubborn and rebellious, he will not obey our voice; he is a glutton, and a drunkard.
And all the men of his city shall stone him with stones, that he die: so shalt thou put evil away from among you; and all Israel shall hear, and fear.
2Kings 6:26-29 And as the king of Israel was passing by upon the wall, there cried a woman unto him, saying, Help, my lord, O king.Oh my god, that bitch tricked the poor woman into boiling her son for dinner. What a lesson. Make sure that you eat the other person's son first! And go home and thank your mom for not eating you.
And he said, If the LORD do not help thee, whence shall I help thee? out of the barnfloor, or out of the winepress? And the king said unto her, What aileth thee? And she answered, This woman said unto me, Give thy son, that we may eat him to day, and we will eat my son tomorrow.
So we boiled my son, and did eat him: and I said unto her on the next day, Give thy son, that we may eat him: and she hath hid her son.
Proverbs are just so full of wisdom. Children need to understand that their parents don't hate them when they beat them. They beat them because it is God's will. I beat you because I love you, sweetheart.
Proverbs 23:13-14 Withhold not correction from the child: for if thou beatest him with the rod, he shall not die. Thou shalt beat him with the rod, and shalt deliver his soul from hell.
Proverbs 13:24 He that spareth his rod hateth his son: but he that loveth him chasteneth him betimes.
Proverbs 30:17 The eye that mocketh at his father, and despiseth to obey his mother, the ravens of the valley shall pick it out, and the young eagles shall eat it.
And if your dad is a piece of shit, it's you who will pay.
Isaiah 14:21 Prepare slaughter for his children for the iniquity of their fathers; that they do not rise, nor possess the land, nor fill the face of the world with cities.
If your great great granddaddy was a sinner, you're not out of the woods! God is filled with mercy but he'll punish your ass for generations anyway.
Numbers 14:18 The LORD is longsuffering, and of great mercy, forgiving iniquity and transgression, and by no means clearing the guilty, visiting the iniquity of the fathers upon the children unto the third and fourth generation.
God'll abort your babies if you don't practice the correct religion.
Hosea 13:16 Samaria shall become desolate; for she hath rebelled against her God: they shall fall by the sword: their infants shall be dashed in pieces, and their women with child shall be ripped up.
I really think that the next story ought to be in an illustrated children's book. How are little children going to learn to respect their elders and avoid name calling unless they are riddled with the fear of god's wrath? I mean, really.
What a great lesson. Forty two children massacred for name calling. That should be taught in pre-school. Many tears are shed. Many feelings are hurt when kids taunt each other. Teachers can use this lesson as reminder of the consequences of name calling.
2Kings 2:23-24 And he [Elisha] went up from thence unto Bethel: and as he was going up that way, there came forth little children of the city, and mocked him, and said unto him, Go up, thou bald head; Go up, thou bald head.
And he turned back, and looked on them, and cursed them in the name of the LORD. And there came forth two she bears out of the wood and tare forty and two children of them.
What are your favorite children's bible stories?
Update: Idiot ass quote:
"Our faith has always been in direct conflict with the values of the world," DeLay said. "We are, after all, a society that provides abortion on demand, has killed millions of innocent children, degrades the institution of marriage, and all but treats Christianity like some second-rate superstition."
I am going to see to it that those parts of "Faith" which are second rate superstitions and do not follow Jesus commandment to "love one another as I have loved you" will be called second rate superstitions. Indeed.