Well At Least it Wasn’t a Bomb

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Hey, this is a story from Florida, do you think it’ll be sorta weird? I know, you answered “yes” without even thinking, and you were damned sure right.

See someone was driving down the road. They saw something in the road that looked like a pipe bomb. Well holy shit, they go into full panic alert. The mental threat level goes above red, it’s some color we haven’t even given a name to yet. Alerts go out. Alerts come in. We have alerts flying all over the place. People sweat. People cry. Families huddle together and watch their lives flash before them like a family picture book in the wind. Mothers kiss their babies good bye. Fathers actually turn the TV from ESPN to the news station. Life is in turmoil. What to do? What to do? Do we bring in fighter jets? Do we alert george Jr. during his bike ride? Hell, what do we do?

Wait, someone has been brave enough to approach the “pipe bomb” Wait, what the hell is that? Ah, it doesn’t look like anything most of us have ever seen. We’ve heard men speak of them but we’ve never seen one. What the hell is it? Oh my god, look at that!

“"Someone took construction-grade plastic, molded it into a penis and wrapped it with duct tape," said Lee County Sheriff's Chief Deputy Charles Ferrante. "They wrote 'Happy Father's Day' on the duct tape."

The device — discovered by a motorist shortly after 3 p.m. Monday — was first described by the sheriff's office as a prosthetic penis. However, it was later released that it was plastic that had been molded to look like a penis.

Ferrante later spoke with a member of the bomb squad who described it in more detail.”

Some one spoke with a “member”? The damned thing talks?

"Somebody molded it to look like a penis," Ferrante said. "It was not detected until the suspicious package was removed."

A motorist called the sheriff's office about a suspicious package on the side of the road under the northbound I-75 overpass.

The object was more than a foot long and looked like a pipe bomb.”

Did he really say “suspicious package”?

I guess for a guy, a penis over a foot long would be da bomb.

Both lanes of I-75 were closed for about an hour during the capture of the pretend plastic pee-pee.