by pissed off patricia
Because no cameras are allowed in hell, the devil gave his State of Hell Address via audio airwaves. The devil revealed his plans for the ongoing expansion of hell. Due to activities on earth, the devil announced that he would be outsourcing his building efforts. As of this week all construction contracts will be given sans bids to American corporations. There will be no requirement to track the work of these companies, and there will be no penalties if the work is not completed to the satisfaction of the stated contract. There are rumors that the devil is working with his close friends in these corporations and knows that eventually they will be his very close neighbors.
The devil also revealed his budget for the coming year. Many cuts had to be made to meet the rising demand for housing space in hell. The cuts were made in departments such as health care. There will no longer be a burn unit in hell. Rising heating costs due to facility expansion require reductions in the torture oversight committee. All future torture plans will go unchecked. The devil stated that he feels that torture, no matter how harsh, is required in order to continue hell's long-standing reputation. He hinted that he might consult some high-ranking Americans for new ideas. The easiest cuts will be in the advertising department. Advertising is no longer necessary due to the fact that many seem to desire to go to hell rather than having to be tempted. Sin is on the rise just about everywhere. Now days the advertisement is mostly by word of mouth. Americans in particular are telling everyone to go to hell, all around the globe.
The devil also revealed his rather lengthy list of possible future occupants of hell. Many of the names were very familiar, especially to Americans. He said that there seems to be a high demand by Americans to dwell in his facility. Some of the reasons he feels that Americans are working their way to hell include abuse of their environment, war, greed and total disregard for their fellow man. The devil said he welcomes all to hell, no matter their race or stated religion. He wanted the world to know that everyone can go to hell, especially those who boast of their religion while stepping on the lives of their fellow man. Seems there is a special place in hell reserved just for them.
In conclusion, the devil extended a personal invitation to those waiting for the Rapture. He promised that if the Rapture did not occur, these folks who have screwed the earth, their fellow man, and their own lives would be allowed to move to the front in the never ending waiting line to hell. He assured the Rapture community that although they wouldn't be naked in hell and they wouldn't get the thrill ride of floating to heaven while waving bye-bye to the "unsaved", they would get exactly what they truly deserved. However, he did not provide any details of what this entailed. Later when questioned about this the devil responded by saying, “let's just say this really is a burning issue", and then he laughed like the devil.