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Thursday, February 24


And the Bible is a dirty book

We'll start with Genesis and go through the whole bible in the next week, thanks to Skeptics Annotated Bible. (It's a real bible with snarky commentary as you will see below.) With this knowledge in your pocket, it will become clear to regular people why those folks who follow Bible religions in the supposed "Bible Belt" are so screwed up, so sexually repressed, so obsessed with genitalia and so easily swayed by the neocons. Get yer bibles out. or not.


God fashions a woman out of one of Adam's ribs. This was necessary since Adam couldn't find a "help mate" in any of the animals that God made for him. 2:20-22

Adam blames Eve and Eve blames the serpent. 3:12-13

God punishes Eve, and all women after her, with the pains of childbirth and subjection to men. 3:16

Adam is also punished, although less severely. He now will have to work for a living because he "hearkened unto the voice" of his wife. 3:17

Lamech is the first of a long line of biblical men with more than one wife. It seems that God approves of such marriages. 4:19, 23

Finally, sometime in the next 800 years, Adam begat some daughters. These nameless ones are the first (and nearly the last) girls to be born in the Bible. 5:4

"The male and his female ..." Notice that in the Bible female animals are the property of male animals, as women are the property of men. 7:2

Abram makes his wife lie for him, by telling the Egyptians that she is his sister. But at least it was half-true, since she was his half-sister. Such incestuous marriages are condemned elsewhere in the Bible, but god makes an exception for Abram and Sarai. (See Gen.17:15-16 where God blesses their marriage.) 12:13

Sarai is the first of a long line of barren women who were desperate for children. (In the Bible, it is the women who are barren, never the men.) She sends Abram into her handmaid, Hagar, so that she can "obtain children by her." Abram gladly complies. 16:1-4

Sarah, who is about 90 years old and has gone through menopause, laughs at God when he tells her that she will have a son. She asks God if she will "have pleasure" with her "Lord" [Abraham], when both are so very old. God assures her that he will return and impregnate her at the appointed time. 18:11-14

Lot refuses to give up his angels to the perverted mob, offering his two "virgin daughters" instead. He tells the bunch of angel rapers to "do unto them [his daughters] as is good in your eyes." This is the same man that is called "just" and "righteous" in 2 Pet.2:7-8 .19:8

Lot's nameless wife looks back, and God turns her into a pillar of salt. 19:26

Lot and his daughters camp out in a cave for a while. The daughters get their "just and righteous" father drunk, and have sexual intercourse with him, and each conceives and bears a son (wouldn't you know it!). 19:30-38

Honest Abe does the same "she's my sister" routine again, for the same cowardly reason. And once again, the king just couldn't resist Sarah -- even though by now she is over 90 years old. (See Gen.12:13-20 for the first, nearly identical, episode.) 20:2

God gets angry with king Abimelech, though the king hasn't even touched Sarah. He says to the king, "Behold, thou art but a dead man," and threatens to kill him and all of his people. To compensate for the crime he never committed, Abimelech gives Abraham sheep, oxen, slaves, silver, and land. Finally, after Abraham "prayed unto God," God lifts his punishment to Abimelech, "for the Lord had fast closed up all the wombs of the house of Abimelech, because of Sarah." 20:3-18

God "closed all the wombs" because Abimelech believed Abe's lie. 20:18

"And the damsel was fair to look upon, a virgin, neither had any man known her." (Oh boy!) 24:16

"Then again Abraham took a wife, and her name was Keturah." Abraham already had a wife (Sarah), and an abandoned concubine (Hagar). 25:1

Abraham had several concubines. 25:6

Isaac uses the same "she's my sister" lie that his father used so effectively (see Gen.12:13 ,20:2 ). 26:7

Esau "takes" two wives. 26:34

Esau, who already had two wives ( 26:34 ), "takes" another. 28:9

Jacob offers to work for seven years to pay for Rachel. As it turns out, he is tricked into having sex with her sister, Leah, instead, so he has to work for another seven years so in order to pay for them both. 29:18-30

Jacob is tricked by Laban, the father of Rachel and Leah. Jacob asks for Rachel so that he can "go in unto her." But Laban gives him Leah instead, and Jacob "went in unto her [Leah]" by mistake. Jacob was fooled until morning -- apparently he didn't know who he was going in unto. Finally they worked things out and Jacob got to "go in unto" Rachel, too. 29:21-30

As part of the deal with Jacob, Zilpah and Bilhah (Laban's slaves) are handed over to Leah and Rachel. 29:24, 29

Laban gives Rachel and Bilhah to Jacob. 29:28

Since Jacob hated Leah, God decided to "open her womb" and make Rachel barren. (Like he did to Sarah and Rebekah.) 29:31

Leah conceives and bears three sons. And it's a good thing, too, since her husband hated her until then for not giving him any sons. 29:32-34

Give me children or else I die." Rachel considers herself worthless if she cannot produce children for her husband. 30:1

But luckily she has an idea. She says to Jacob, "Behold my maid Bilhah, go in unto her." She solved the problem the same way as did Sarah ( 16:2 ). 30:3

Leah, not to be outdone, gives Jacob her maid (Zilpah) "to wife." And Zilpah "bare Jacob a son." 30:9

Leah thinks her husband will honor her now that she has given him six sons. 30:20

And finally, "God remembered Rachel ... and opened her womb. And she conceived and bare a son [surprise, surprise]." 30:22

"Then Jacob ... set his ... wives upon camels." Jacob had four wives (or two wives and two concubines -- this distinction is not clear in the Bible): Rachel, Leah, Billah, and Zilpah. There is no indication that God disapproves of this arrangement. 31:17

Jacob has two wives and two concubines, continuing the biblical tradition of polygamy. 32:22

Laban, Rachel's father, is hunting for the "images" that Rachel had stolen from him. Rachel sits on the "images" and says to her father, "Let it not displease my lord that I cannot rise up before thee: for the custom of women is upon me." She knows that no man will come near her when she is menstruating. 31:34-35

Jacob has two wives and two concubines, continuing the biblical tradition of polygamy. 32:22

Dinah, the daughter of Jacob, is "defiled" by a man who seems to love her dearly. Her brothers trick all of the men of the town and kill them (after first having them all circumcised), and then take their wives and children captive. 34:1-31

Dinah's brothers, to justify the massacre of a town for the rape of their sister, say: "Should he deal with our sister as with a harlot?" To the author of Genesis, rape is clearly a crime against the honor of men rather than against a woman. 34:31

Rachel dies in childbirth; but at least she had another son. And in the Bible, a woman is expected to die happily as long as she has a son. 35:17-18

"Reuben went and lay with his father's concubine." I wonder why God wants to tell us about it. Maybe he figures that "inquiring minds want to know." 35:22

Esau (Isaac's son) had several wives (continuing the tradition of polygamy, with no editorial comment from the Bible). 36:2, 6

"And Judah saw there a daughter of a certain Canaanite ... and he took her, and went in unto her. And she conceived, and bare a son; and she called his name Er. And she conceived again [I guess Judah must have went in unto her again] and bare a son; and she called hi name Onan." (It seems that the probability of having a biblical daughter is considerably less than 50%.) 38:2-4

After Judah pays Tamar for her services, he is told that she "played the harlot" and "is with child by whoredom." When Judah hears this, he says, "Bring her forth, and let her be burnt." 38:24

Blonde commentary: My favorite character in Genesis is Lot, the piece of shit who should have been the one who turned into a pillar of salt when the tar pits exploded due to natural causes. Lot was not only a liar and drunkard, but protected his visitors from rapists at the door by offering his "virgin" (but really married) daughters to them instead to show what a model parent he was and to be the first to show true family values to those who read his story. The sin of Sodom, by the way, was inhospitality towards visitors. Lot is deemed righteous throughout bibledom because he protected his visitors from being raped by the inhospitable Sodomites. Lot's visitors were supposedly 'angels' or 'giants' depending on your bible translation. They were aliens in my book.

Later on after the wife was pillarized, the daughters get Lot drunk and knocked up by him. What were the bible preachers saying about Sponge Bob?

I found this cool hi resolution painting of Lot and His Daughters here. Not safe for work if your co-workers consider incest and titties indecent.

Barf, discuss, lament, gasp... Who is your favorite bible character from Genesis and why?

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