SMOKE UP

When President Reagan was in office, he said that marijuana was the most dangerous drug and threat to America. It causes memory loss...........naw, too easy. Why was it the most dangerous threat? Because America wasn't making any money off it. Once you've had some Colombian, domestic just doesn't cut it anymore.

Like my man Jimmy Carter, I'm for decriminalizing marijuana. As long as tobacco is legal, marijuana should be legal, too. I'd rather be in a room full of week smoke than cigarette smoke. With weed smoke I'm looking for a bag of chips, not for a lump in my breast.

At least weed has medicinal uses. It clears up glaucoma, helps AIDS and cancer patients get an appetite, and it gives relief to chronic pain sufferers. No doctor has ever told a patient, "Smoke a half a pack of Newport's, that should clear it up."

Pain, who's to say who can cope with pain? We all have different thresholds. If I get a headache, why can't I smoke a joint? Advil upsets my stomach. I'm a chronic sinus sufferer. I get a sinus infection as often as Bobby Brown goes to jail. Why can't I tell my ENT, "Doc, that antibiotic you gave me is not doing the job. I think I need a dime bag of hydro. The poor air quality doesn't bother me when I'm high.

I get so angry when on the news they show DEA agents out in the field with flame shooters, destroying a perfectly good crop of marijuana. I'm like, "What the hell? They are setting it on fire. We were going to get rid of all of it, but basically we're on the same team man. What's the difference? Just because you have on a jacket with some letters on the back of it makes it okay for you to light it up? What if I wore my old high school letterman jacket while I smoke? Is that okay?"

It's ridiculous watching them destroy something that naturally grows out of the ground. Why? Just because our government say it's illegal. The govern-ment says it's illegal. The government says they're looking out for our safety. They are trying to protect the public. Well, I hate lilies. The big ones, they stink and make me sneeze. I want to see some DEA agents out there setting a greenhouse of lilies on fire. If anybody's caught buying or selling them, throw their lily-loving ass in jail. These people are useless. All they want to do is sit around and smell their lilies all day. Lock'em up.

I'm sick of the government lying to us about how they are trying to protect the public. That's bullshit. The government is trying to protect their pockets. The government doesn't give a damn about our health. They say they don't know enough about marijuana and the mental effects. So? They know everything about alcohol. People die every day from alcohol. Alcohol and the effects of alcohol will kill you. And not only is it legal, you go out to a club and there's a two-drink minimum. How can our government, which claims it wants to protect us, allow establishments to make us drink? What a bunch of hypocrisy. If you need a liver transplant, don't come see me at the comedy club, because they're gonna make you drink.

Now don't get me wrong. I'm not saying that alcohol should be illegal. Lord knows, I wouldn't want to live in a world where ya can't get a good margarita. I'm just saying that we should be able to enjoy a fat joint along with it. Stop "protecting" us, and dictating what drug we use to destroy ourselves. However, there should be zero tolerance for those freakin' lily-heads.

Actually, I don't smoke weed.........that often., because I have things to do. Like most weed smokers, I don't get much done when I'm high. I giggle and point, that's about the most that I can handle. I have to schedule my weed. "Let's see. Tuesday is wide open. I don't have any meetings. Let's pencil this in, Weed Day. Tuesday is now Weedsday.

Alcohol and the occasional weed is it for me. I haven't tried and don't plan on trying any other drugs. I'm too scared......or for the kids, I'll say too smart. I can be a loud asshole when I'm drunk, so I know me coked up? Somebody 's gonna shoot me. Plus, I don't like the whole drug culture. I see somebody snortin' coke, I leave the room. It amazes me how they keep talking like they didn't do anything. That's scary. I need a noise or something. When you do a shot, you groan or do a "whoo-hoo, yeah!" When you take a hit off a joint you cough or say, "Yeah, that's good shit." But I've seen people snort coke and never miss a beat of conversation. I'm like, "Damn, acknowledge that you just had a rolled-up ten-dollar bill up your nose or something." Cocaine is all denial. Shit, even when you take a vitamin you say something like, "I feel a cold coming, trying to kick it with some vitamin C."

When you get past weed, that whole drug culture is a shady. It becomes very dark. Your life is in danger. At least if you drink too much and get alcohol poisoning, somebody is gonna try to help you. They might kill you in a car crash the way to the hospital, but hey tried to help you. If you have a bad weed experience, somebody is gonna try to help you. You might die while they are trying to call 911. "Man, we gotta call nine-one-one. What's the number?" But somebody is gonna try to help you. You OD around some real drug addict, that your ass. Drug people get the fuck out and take your wallet with them. Nobody is trying to go to jail for your dead ass. You might as well get in the position of how you want you chalk outline portrait to be.

Man, as soon as I finish writing this, I'm getting fucked up!

Who am I?