Dear Santa or Jesus,
As a country we haven't been too good this past year. By following george bush, we sort of fornicated with the dog. There are a lot of sins floating around this country today and there are a big bunch of sinners. No one has been as good as they should have been. Maybe we will get presents this year, maybe not. To help us overcome our evil ways perhaps some of these gifts might help.
I found these on the internet. Here are some Christmas gifts I believe might be able to change the future of our nation and they may well appeal to the best of our god fearing brothers and sisters.
1. Jesus on a Rope. "Where's Jesus? Hanging around the showers, that's where! And ethereally purplish Jesus soap hangs from a royal purple rope, ready to be whipped up into a lather."
2. Wash away your sins body and bath conversion kit. For Liars, Cheaters and Wrong-Doers. "Kit includes: Body Wash - in the shower cleansing power Hand Cream - smooth on salvation 4 Towelettes - kill sins on contact Breath Spray - commune with confidence"
3. I feel this gift might also be a good idea or at the very least, interesting. Perhaps a good re-gifting idea. The "Get a Grip Mini-Giftbasket for the Chronic Masturbator" contains a mini-bottle of Purell hand sanitizer and one pair of green latex surgical gloves for the handling of the penis; two packs of HandzOff Anti-masturbatory gum; one church-approved "Good News" pivot-head disposable razor for ease in shaving the palms should the masturbator relapse; one Baby "Every Sperm is Sacred" pocket touchstone to remind the masturbator to save his seed; and one pamphlet on avoiding self-abuse, all attractively packaged in a handsome giftbasket ready to present to that special someone in your life."
And finally, I saved the best for last.
4. Here's the Fuzzy Dayglo Velvet Jesus Bank, a 17" fuzzy dayglo velvet Jesus Bank in Lurid Magenta. This is beyond words so I suggest you view it for yourself.
Just one more shopping sinner who hasn't given up hope