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Thursday, November 18

Republicans to Privatize Elections

WASHINGTON, DC—Citing the "extreme inefficiency" of this month's U.S. presidential election, key Republicans called for future elections to be conducted by the private sector.

"When the average citizen hears the phrase 'presidential election,' he thinks of long lines at polling places and agonizing waits as election results are tallied," U.S. Sen. Rick Santorum (R-PA) told reporters Monday. "Putting the election of our public officials into the hands of private industry would motivate election officials to be more efficient."

"There's too much talk about the accuracy and fairness of our national elections, and not enough about their proficiency and profitability," Santorum added. "Who bears the brunt of bureaucratic waste? Taxpayers."

U.S. Sen. Conrad Burns (R-MT) called for an end to "big government overseeing the election of big government."

"It's time we opened the election process to competition," Burns said. "The free market is the petri dish for innovation, be it in telecommunications, the healthcare system, or democracy."

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Hat tip to Patricia who found this in the Onion before you have a heart attack or a stroke.

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