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Friday, May 21
Strippers Vow to Vote Democrat in '04
The Most Very Christian, John Ashcroft spoke yesterday at the Club Badda Bing reminding its patrons that they were indeed hellbound. He promised to push through legislation the shut down of such clubs as they are breeding grounds for gay marriage, prostitution, masturbation and abortion. Ashcroft has never masturbated and considers it a grievous sin. A constitution amendment prohibiting the suggestion of anything sexual in nature outside the marriage bed is in consideration at this time.
"We'd like to model our society after the Saudi society and require all women to be covered up at all times when outside of their respective homes," Ashcroft claimed. This will create jobs, he explained, as young christian men will be hired right out of college to view and censor all printed material, photographs, videos and internet sites for anything sexual in nature. Mr Ashcroft will then be called in to view said pornography and will make the final assessment before any material can be accessed by the public.
A heckler started calling out sexual Bible passages that indeed got a rise out of Mr Ashcroft who became uncomfortable and sought refuge behind his podium. He told the heckler to cease at once and called him a blasphemer. "Get thee behind me Satan! The dirty parts of the Bible are not inspired by the Lord!", he proclaimed.
Ashcroft quieted the crowd and himself, then noted that Miss Candy, a pole dancer from Nebraska should not be extolled for her disgraceful deformity, obviously due to the sins of her parents. Patrons applauded loudly, but not for Ashcroft as Miss Candy swung her massive mammaries on top of Ashcroft's head and knocked him to the ground swifty. When he regained consciousness he was quickly ushered out of the 'Bing swinging his fists and singing "Let The Eagle Soar".
After hearing the news, southern Wisconsin Strip Clubs began registering people to vote and encouraged them to oust Bush. Republican strippers and patrons alike promise to vote Democratic in the next election in order to keep their industry alive. Newly registered voters also vowed to vote Democrat.
Miss Candy, a 250ZZZZ cup, was very concerned that her livelihood was at stake. "It's not like I can be a secretary or sumpthin' "