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Thursday, April 29

News flash: Jesus Says Rich Are Hellbound ~ Christian Right Fights Back.

Upset Republicans on the religious right gathered today to go over just exactly what Jesus was talking about 2000 years ago. They viewed transcripts of his various speeches and tried to make sense of it all. Angry Democratic heathens protested outside while the Christian right attempted to come up with a reply to their charges that they weren't Christians at all and their public policy was not based on any sound Christian doctrine or Bible facts. The Christian right will once again attempt to derive meaning from Jesus' words that speak to us today.

From Jesus Transcripts: "Looking at his disciples, he [Jesus] said: "Blessed are you who are poor , for yours is the kingdom of God." [ Luke 6:20 ]

Christian Right: I don't see anything about revoking the tax cuts for the wealthy here. Go on.

From Jesus Transcripts: "Sell your possessions and give to the poor . Provide purses for yourselves that will not wear out, a treasure in heaven that will not be exhausted, where no thief comes near and no moth destroys." [Luke 12:33 ]

Christian Right: What about those purses JC is talking about? I think he means tax loopholes. Yes that's what he means. We need a constitutional amendment to protect our purses. Oh that first part? You know you can't take everything the Bible says literally.

From Jesus Transcripts: "The servant came back and reported this to his master. Then the owner of the house became angry and ordered his servant, 'Go out quickly into the streets and alleys of the town and bring in the poor , the crippled, the blind and the lame.' [Luke 14:21 ]

Christian Right: We have food drives and fine Christian women drop off cans of food for sickly, illiterate poor people. They come and pick up bags of food and also come to our monthly "feed the poor" supper at the community center. I don't know what we are supposed to do about those lame people though. Wheelchairs would cost the taxpayer's money and we don't want to ask our constituents to pay any more money in taxes while we are at war.

From Jesus Transcripts: "But when you give a banquet, invite the poor , the crippled, the lame, the blind..." [Luke 14:13 ]

Christian Right: I suppose we could bring in one of those young black children and donate a wheelchair to him. That would be the right thing to do. Someone see about raising some money for a wheelchair.

But we object to bringing lots of poor people to one of our banquets..... after all, they are immoral. They have sex for pleasure and that is disgusting in the eyes of the Lord. Sex must only be had for pro-creation. God has punished them with children who will not learn, children with birth defects and children who grow up and break the law. If they were moral like we are, these things wouldn't happen to them.

Someone look up what Jesus says about sex. Jesus hated sex. I am sure of that. Poor people and heathens do not practice abstinence. If they insist on having sex for pleasure then they must bear the consequences of their behavior and be forced to raise all those children as a punishment from the Almighty... as long as it's not on my dollar. Someone see what Jesus had to say about sex. Rewind that tape.

Devil's Advocate on Christian Right: Jesus doesn't really go into sex all that much sir. He mostly goes on and on about the poor, the disenfranchised, the sick and pharisees, those nasty men who were hypocrites who stuck by the letter of the law while ignoring the needs of others. Sick men, they were. The closest thing I can find to sex is this part... and he repeats it in Mark and Luke as well.

From Jesus Transcripts: "whoever divorces his wife (unless the marriage is unlawful) causes her to commit adultery, and whoever marries a divorced woman commits adultery." [Matt 5:32]

Christian Right: Someone look up what "Unlawful" means. We cannot ban divorce unless unlawful means that your wife turned into a fat ugly pig. (all laugh) What does Jesus say about abortion?

Devil's Advocate on Christian Right: Nothing about abortion specifically. Like I said, he keeps talking about helping the poor. Do you suppose that helping the poor and disenfranchised might make abortions happen less frequently? Perhaps if they got proper health care and education, people would be more likely to plan their families?

Christian Right: Nonsense, that would cost money. Did anyone notice how ugly those pro-abortion marchers were in Washington last week? In a way, I can see why they wouldn't want to give birth. They would be very ugly children.

But back to business. We don't want to separate our constituents from their hard earned money. They are hard working decent Christians with deep rooted family values. We are at war now with evil doers. The President said that God himself ordered him to rid the world of evil doers.

From Jesus Transcripts: "You have heard that it was said, 'An eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth.' But I say to you, offer no resistance to one who is evil. When someone strikes you on (your) right cheek, turn the other one to him as well. If anyone wants to go to law with you over your tunic, hand him your cloak as well. Should anyone press you into service for one mile, go with him for two miles...

"You have heard that it was said, 'You shall love your neighbor and hate your enemy.'
But I say to you, love your enemies, and pray for those who persecute you, that you may be children of your heavenly Father, for he makes his sun rise on the bad and the good, and causes rain to fall on the just and the unjust. For if you love those who love you, what recompense will you have? Do not the tax collectors do the same? And if you greet your brothers only, what is unusual about that? Do not the pagans do the same? So be perfect, just as your heavenly Father is perfect. "

Christian Right: That has nothing to do with war. We are dealing with terrorists. Evil people who hate us because of our freedoms. They killed 3000 of us on 9/11. They must pay before they hurt others. If innocent people get in the way, God will take care of them. God knows his own.

They don't believe in the same God as we do. It is right that we bomb them and teach them that our God is more powerful and is on our side. We have to show the world that we are a Christian nation! We wouldn't be saying "God Bless America" if that were not true.

And nobody is 'perfect'. Redact that part. It must be a mistake in translation.

Devil's Advocate on Christian Right: It kind of looks like Jesus is saying that God is the father of everyone on the planet, both bad and good and he loves them all. He is the same God that everyone worships.

Christian Right: Listen, those Democrats are immoral and they are left wing liberal radicals. Every single one of them. They want to take all our hard earned money and waste in on the environment, on education and waste in on healthcare for everyone. I have benefits already. Why would I want healthcare for everyone?

Devil's Advocate on Christian Right: So that your kids aren't exposed to weird diseases at school from children in families who don't have health care?

Christian Right: My child goes to a proper private Christian school. They don't even have books in our local public school! I want my children to be educated properly so they won't grow up to be immoral and have abortions or rob people. I want them to live long happy lives and have plenty of money in the bank. That's only fair. What's that crap about the environment anyway? Those hippies have too much time on their hands. The air is fine. Corporations are people too. You can't keep putting more restrictions on their emissions. They won't be able to pay their CEO's.

From Jesus Transcripts: "When the Son of Man comes in his glory, and all the angels with him, he will sit upon his glorious throne, and all the nations will be assembled before him. And he will separate them one from another, as a shepherd separates the sheep from the goats. He will place the sheep on his right and the goats on his left.

"Then the king will say to those on his right, 'Come, you who are blessed by my Father. Inherit the kingdom prepared for you from the foundation of the world.

"For I was hungry and you gave me food, I was thirsty and you gave me drink, a stranger and you welcomed me, naked and you clothed me, ill and you cared for me, in prison and you visited me.'

"Then the righteous will answer him and say, 'Lord, when did we see you hungry and feed you, or thirsty and give you drink? When did we see you a stranger and welcome you, or naked and clothe you? When did we see you ill or in prison, and visit you?' And the king will say to them in reply, 'Amen, I say to you, whatever you did for one of these least brothers of mine, you did for me.'

"Then he will say to those on his left, 'Depart from me, you accursed, into the eternal fire prepared for the devil and his angels.

"For I was hungry and you gave me no food, I was thirsty and you gave me no drink,
a stranger and you gave me no welcome, naked and you gave me no clothing, ill and in prison, and you did not care for me.' Then they will answer and say, 'Lord, when did we see you hungry or thirsty or a stranger or naked or ill or in prison, and not minister to your needs?'

"He will answer them, 'Amen, I say to you, what you did not do for one of these least ones, you did not do for me.' And these will go off to eternal punishment, but the righteous to eternal life." "[Matt:31-46]

Christian Right: Well that is exactly how America, a Christian nation behaves. Exactly. Right? All those losers who sit in their hovels on the edge of town. I don't see them doing anything for anyone. Someone arrange for a trip and photographer to accompany me to the hospital and the jail though.. ya know.. just in case.

Get those protesters away from our parking lot. Our American policy is right and just. We are in keeping with Jesus' words. It's as clear as day. Those liberals just want to tax and spend us into oblivion. They are socialists I tell you. If Jesus were alive today, he'd be a Republican. He surely wouldn't approve of all this spending. God only helps those who help themselves you know!

From Jesus Transcripts: Indeed, it is easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle than for a rich man to enter the kingdom of God." [Luke 18:25 ]

Christian Right: Would someone please research this? Find out just how big a needle would have to be in order for an average camel to pass through it's eye.

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