(in appropriate voices)
Late Night: December 24th, 2013: Washington D.C. The Oval Office: The White House
White House Chief of Staff John McCain briefing the President:
John McCain: I know it’s late and I’m sorry to interrupt your watching reruns of Dancing With the Stars. Our men at NORAD have confirmed a bogey flying south across the North Slope on a track heading toward the Aleutians then to Guam. I must emphasize, Madam President that we don’t know the intentions of this unidentified object or whether it is a potential threat.
President Palin: Thank you John. As you know, we can’t take any chances with possible unfriendlies. It’s possible this was a diversionary tactic from inside the Soviet Union with the intent of a surprise nukyular attack on America from Cuba.
John McCain: Russia! It’s now called Russia, Madam President.
President Palin: Since when did they change the name?
John McCain: It happened in the early 90s, Madam President.
President Palin: Why wasn’t I informed?
John McCain: It was in all the papers and on the news, Madam President. But of course that was before you became president.
President Palin: Is Russia part of the Old Soviet Union?
John McCain: (sigh) After the Berlin Wall fell, the Old Soviet Union ceased to exist and they unified into what is now present day Russia.
President Palin: Then that’s why I said that I could see Russia from my porch. Frank. See that explanation gets into our media so they understand I stay well informed. (Press Secretary Frank Luntz nearly trips over himself getting to a phone to have Roger Ailes set the story for National Fox News). Well, do we have any intel that it could be the Sovi—er, Russians?
John McCain: No, Madam President. All we know is an unidentified object is speeding south toward the Pacific.
President Palin: Well, that’s a frightening thought. Something like that could scare our Asian Allies and jeopardize the wonderful trade agreements President Obama set in motion. This could have a really bad effect on business!
John McCain: Madam President. I’ve already consulted with the CEOs of the corporations involved and may I tell you, they ARE concerned. This could affect their profits for days to come!
President Palin: Has there been any new information?
John McCain: Vice President Beck has just informed us that the object has passed over Japan and is heading for Australia via Southeast Asia.
President Palin: This is too serious. I think we need to go to Depcon 9.
John McCain: Madam President, it’s DEF-CON and they only go from 1 to 5.
President Palin: Gotcha. I knew that. I was just testing you. Who do you think you are, Katie Couric?
John McCain: No, Madam President.
President Palin: Well, we can’t have this…this intruder cause havoc to our business allies. Is our National Guard ready?
John McCain: For what, Madam President?
President Palin: To go into action to stop this obvious Rooski threat!
John McCain: We don’t know if it’s the Rooskis…er Russians, Madam President. No, the National Guard doesn’t handle this sort of thing. Besides, most of the Guard is still in Afghanistan, Yemen and South America following your orders.
President Palin: They would have when I was governor. Well, we can’t take a chance. Do we have any boats in the area that can intercept that thing?
John McCain: Ships, Madam President. We have the Pacific Fleet there as always and they are ready.
President Palin: That’s…good? Can you have the Yorktown or Lexington move into position? See? I can too speak about things I know.
John McCain: Madam President. The Yorktown and Lexington are no longer with us.
President Palin: What? Did that peace-nik Clinton decommission them?
John McCain: Madam President. The Yorktown and Lexington were sunk during World War II.
President Palin: I suppose that was in all the papers, too?
John McCain: Yes Madam President. Again, that was before your time. Probably why you don’t recall.
President Palin: Ok, then. So do we have anything newer that could handle this situation?
John McCain: I’m almost certain we have newer equipment to handle almost anything.
President Palin: Well, Ok then. It’s time for major decision making. That’s what American Business elected me for. Have this bogey brought down at all costs.
John McCain: Madam President, isn’t that a little drastic? We still don’t know its intentions. It could be a Sov- er, Russian aircraft with communication problems. We also…
President Palin: Don’t dally, Johnny Boy. We can’t take a chance on something this dangerous threatening this great nation. And after all, we ARE the only ones who care enough to protect the world.
John McCain: But Madam President…
President Palin: Not another word! I want this threat removed immediately. Shoot it down…NOW!
John McCain: (Sigh) Yes Madam President.
John leaves the Oval office and phones the Joint Chief of Staff:
John McCain: Rush, The President wants this unidentified thing shot down immediately.
Joint Chief of Staff Limbaugh: You got it.
Twenty minutes later, back in the Oval Office:
John McCain: Madam President, I’ve been informed that the unidentified object has been destroyed but…
President Palin: Great work John. See to it that everyone gets a bonus for this. Yep. You betcha. No one screws around and threatens good ol’ U.S. of A. business ventures and gets away with it.
John McCain: Madam President. The USS Nimitz found the wreckage scattered over a wide area of the Pacific and…
President Palin: Good! Is any of it identifiable?
John McCain: Madam President. I have the unfortunate duty to inform you that you just shot down Santa Claus! Toys and games destined for good little boys and girls all over the world are now heading to the bottom of the Pacific.
President Palin: (Stunned disbelief) You mean to tell me that there really is a Santa Claus? You mean the First Dude and I have been spending our own money to buy stuff for our own kids all these years? And it’s not a liberal conspiracy?
John McCain: Madam President. I mean to tell you there WAS a Santa Claus until you had him shot down and all the toys and gifts for everyone are now…gone.
An agonizing cry emanates from the couch in the oval office. Vice President Beck sits up and cries out,” What happened to the Gold Santa was bringing me?” and promptly faints.
President Palin slumps in her chair, head in hands, “My God. What have I done?”, she cries. "I understand a couple of Wolves from helicopters and maybe a Moose or two or even a Bear…but SANTA?"
John McCain:It’s ok Madam President. We’ll just claim it was a socialist plot by a gay man who lives and works with lots of small men year round to undermine the American Business System. They’ll believe that.
President Palin: Thank you John. I don’t, I don’t know what I’d do without you.
As John McCain leaves the Oval Office he mutters to himself, ”I should have voted for Obama!”