[Shot opens in total blackness, with the exception of a portly wolf who can be seen from the chest up in the distance. He is dressed very elegantly in a suit and tie, and his white pawkerchief is gleaming where it resides in his breast pocket.]
[MUSIC: Brief, sinister fanfare]
[The wolf raises a paw, and beckons toward the camera.]
Leonard Allworthy: Come closer!
[The camera moves in closer as the wolf continues to speak.]
[MUSIC: muted, sinister tones as Lord Leon speaks.]
Leonard Allworthy: I want to talk to you.
[The camera stops with a closeup of the wolf. He speaks to the audience, his gaze shifting from right to left as he talks.]
Leonard Allworthy: I’m going to tell you a story of astounding stupidity. The story of the Giant Gnat of Sinatra. For years, the Giant Gnat has carried the mystery of fabulous talent under its grotesque wings. I could tell you a thousand tales of the mels and femmefurs who have hunted… this strange bug. But every story has the same ending: humiliation. Listen to these incredible furs, all consumed by their passionate greed for the Giant Gnat of Sinatra…
[Screen Title: WHO IS THIS FUR?]
“Urp . . .”
[Screen Title: HE MAKES ADVENTURE A CAREER…]
“Did you know you have flies in here?”
[Screen Title: …AND SHOULDN’T GIVE UP HIS DAY JOB!]
Up early, saddled with an Aussie lunatic and poking through a rain forest . . .
[Screen Title: HE’S AS SLOW ON THE UPTAKE…]
I shrugged. Wasn’t polite to tell him he needed to use his larger brain more often.
[Screen Title: …AS HE IS IN THE DINING ROOM!]
Roxie’s old cheerleader’s uniform did fit Les pretty well, actually. Well, maybe not in the chest.
[Screen Title: LESLIE DUCLEDS AS THE MOST CLUELESS TWIT YOU’VE EVER
Leslie duCleds: Uuuuuuuhhhhhhh.
[Screen Title: WILLOW FAWNSWORTHY AS THE SECRETARY WHO CAN TYPE!]
Willow Fawnsworthy: Boop boop diddem daddem waddem.
[Screen Title: INFLICTED ON YOU ALL BY PEOPLE WHO SHOULD KNOW BETTER]
Random Mink: “Here's the late edition of the Fillydelphia Bulletin, quoting me as saying ‘ow.’"
[Screen title: BASED ON THE STORY THAT SHOOK THE WORLD!]
[CUT TO: Cover of a book reading: “THINNER THIGHS IN THIRTY DAYS!”]
Rosalie Baumgartner: You little SCAMP!
[Screen Title: SUCH AMAZING IDIOCY!]
[Screen Title: SUCH STRANGE HUMOUR!]
[Screen Title: IT’S A MASTERPIECE OF MORONITY!]
[Screen Title: LESLIE DUCLEDS, TOPPING HIS SMASHING SUCCESS IN “INOCENTA UNTIL PROVEN GUILTY”]
[Screen Title: WILLOW FAWNSWORTHY, GREATER THAN IN “LET’S NOT DUELLO ON THE SUBJECT”]
[Screen Title: WITH A CAST OF SUPPORTING CHARACTERS THAT WOULD LIKE TO BE ANONYMOUS]
[Screen Title: “THE GIANT GNAT OF SINATRA” – A SPONTOON ISLAND TALE]
[Screen Title: “ANOTHER TALE IMPOSED ON YOU BY THE INSPIRING LUNACY OF M. MITCHELL MARMEL”]
[Screen Title: “THE BUTTON-DOWN MIND OF ERIC COSTELLO”]
[Screen Title: “AND THE SILLY, TWISTED WRITING OF WALT REIMER”]
[Screen Title: "COMING SOON TO THE SPONTOON ISLAND WEBSITE!"]
[Shot of Italian restaurant.]
[Caption: “AND BE SURE TO EAT HERE AFTER YOU READ THE STORY.”]
The story trailer's based on this little piece of film noir: