And finally, new rule: You can’t be President if you practice a violent, Middle Eastern religion and worship a genocidal desert god. Which is why Sarah Palin can’t be President. Now all the churches that Sarah Palin has attended, and she’s been to almost as many churches as she has colleges, have one thing in common: a belief that the Bible is literally true. She’s not “Country First”, she’s “Bible First”. And not just the New Testament. That’s the happy half of the book: the baby in the manger, Jesus doing magic tricks, long romantic walks on the water that turn into fishing trips with the guys and a generally positive message. Jesus, after all, preached love and forgiveness, not shooting wolves from an airplane.
The problem is Gov. Avon Lady, she takes the Old Testament literally too, and in that one, God is an insecure, rage-filled hybrid of Bobby Knight and Suge Knight. He’s been alive forever and He has anger issues. He’s like John McCain if John McCain could fart hail. He’s pro-slavery, pro-polygamy and homophobic and he’ll kill you for masturbating. More people get stoned in the Old Testament than in my Jacuzzi. That’s what I have to tell you guys… If there was a video of Barack Obama standing in front of his congregation being healed by a black witch doctor, this election would be over.
But there is that video of Sarah Palin.
video: "In the name of Jesus, every form of witchcraft is what you'll rebuke in the name of Jesus:
So ask your witch doctor if exorcism is right for you.
And I don't say witch doctor because he's black but because when you're rebuking witches, you're a witch doctor. Witch doctor folks! This is our country. We got to get it back from the forces of organized superstition. People like Bush and Palin simply cannot think clearly because they're in a big scary brainwashing cult and it warps their thinking so much that they're actually horny for the end of the world. And that is not someone I want with the nuclear codes.
So remember that video and remember that Sara Palin said and I quote, "I think I will see Jesus come back to earth in my lifetime," to which I say, "hasn't Jesus suffered enough?"