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Thursday, September 11

Coke, Blowjobs, and Free Hotels: The World's Most Awesome Government Agency

I told and told ya, blowjobs given or withheld really do make the world go round.

You know that annoying guy in the office? The one who keeps calling you, asking for cocaine, even though you'd already given him some that very day? And he keeps calling until you finally give up and tell him to come over, and your roommate has some crystal meth, so you just give him that and he does some lines off the toaster, and he won't shut up, so you finally give him a blowjob? And then, on the way between two meetings at work, he's always stuffing some chick's face into his lap, even though he's her boss? And then when people start asking questions, he tells everyone that that chick was trying to "entrap" him sexually, even though he was the one calling her all the time? Welcome to the U.S. Government's Mineral Management Service, one of the nation's biggest income-producing agencies—and its hero, Greg Smith.

Hero? Yes. But party animal Greg Smith wasn't the only wonderful person in that office.
There's Stacy Leyshon, who ate out on oil company's dimes regularly, helped out bidders when they forgot to include transportation costs—and also ran her own sex toy and party business, for which she'd pass out cards at work. (She had a franchise, apparently, of something called "Passion Parties, Inc.") She apparently spent many of her weekends skiing and playing golf with pals from Shell. Oops, one time she slept with a guy from Shell too.
You can find the three amazing Department of the Interior reports here—they're the top three links on that page. The investigation took two years, more than $5 million and the review of nearly 500,000 documents, which seems a little insane, given that it just uncovers that the government runs offices that are just like our offices.
One other thing that hasn't been noted in the newspapers: one employee from Shell refused to be interviewed, but they found a couple great emails from him, including an invite to a Houston Texans tailgate party, which read, in part, "You're invited... have you and the girls meet at my place at 6 a.m. for bubble baths and final prep. Just kidding...." And another, that said: "it's a given that the horsemen will indeed 'bring the meat to the table.'"
Fortunately other Shell employees totally narced out the MMS party gals. The gals include Crystel Edler, who worked for Leyshon, who only had two relationships with oil industry execs (one each from Shell and Chevron).
Also, Chevron as a whole refused to cooperate with the three years-long investigations into the cheating, cocaine-using, bid-downgrading, first-class-flying, subordinate-sexing drunken party that has been the Mineral Management Service these last few years. Even though clearly both Chevron and Shell had been providing "gifts" to the employees. This is what makes America great!

So the next time you drop 75 bucks at a Shell station you should at least get a hand job.

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