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Thursday, July 10


Bill from Maine, via dailykos:

Dear Troops in Iraq and That Other Place,

Hi! How are you? Staying busy, we hope, and close to an air conditioner! It's hot here, too---don’t get us started, ha ha! Thank god for popsicles, eh?

We have some bad news, I'm afraid. As you may have heard, things aren’t very rosy here stateside. So we're sorry to report that we've collectively decided that the wars of freedom you're fighting over there have been bumped down a notch--or two--on our national list of problems and priorities. :(

Now, before you start feeling sorry for yourselves, let us explain why you're no longer our top priority. You see, we're hurting at the moment. Hurting pretty bad. It's tough to know where to start. The real estate market sucks, gas prices are forcing us to cut back on vacations, our 401(k)s are battered, we're losing our jobs and things are getting more expensive. As much as we know that shopping is the best way to fight terrorism, it's just getting harder to plunk down the plastic at Macy's. There's just "too much month left over at the end of the money," ha ha.

Thank goodness you're over there and don’t have to experience what we're going through over here. You still get to drive your Hummers---we're all selling our SUVs for pennies on the dollar and squeezing into Priuses. We wonder if you can even grasp the magnitude of our discomfort. If you do, then no doubt you're stomping your feet and yelling (as we are): "God dammit! Stop the insanity!" Some of us have even had to start riding bicycles again or doing that thing where you stand up and put one foot in front of the other. (Warking? Wooking? Something like that.)

So please forgive us for turning our attention away from you men and women in uniform, but we've got our own problems here in the States. Don’t get us wrong, though. You're still doing a terrific job, and we promise to get back to you just as soon as our lives become a little more comfortable and cozy. We hear it could be as soon as 2010.

Huzzah to y'all, and if there's anything you can do to help us out with our struggles, please let your CO know. (Care packages stuffed with corn-based food products, salmonella-free tomatoes and some of the billions of dollars that Viceroy Bremer "lost" when he was in charge would be helpful, but all suggestions are welcome.)

Big hugs,

We The People
1/7th of whom can locate where you are on a map

P.S. You can also help us out big time by holding charity petroleum drives over there. We need oil and LOTS OF IT. Just stop what you’re doing this instant, start scooping up the crude with your helmets, and send it over in those big supply planes. For the love of God and Country, do it now. We NEED THE PRECIOUS JUICE!

P.P.S. Aunt Gladys is pregnant again.

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