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Tuesday, June 3

You think things are bad now?

So! Increased Spam Sales may be a "sign of the times", eh? All it takes for a mental giant like Brian Williams to decide that things MIGHT be bad is the increase in Spam sales. (And foolish people like DW waste time and their lives studying artsy sciences like economics! All they had to do was ask these brainiacs and, voila! answers!)

They still miss the main item, though.
Higher gas prices? So what?
Bad loans? Who cares?
Americans dying overseas? Happens!
Prices skyrocketing? I'm covered!

But what happens when the ....

"Toilet Paper Shortage" hits!?!?! OMG!

That's something that'll affect every asshole in the country. What WILL we do when tp goes to 10 cents a sheet...or more? Rampant speculators will continue to drive up the price for their investor’s greed. (Cleanup on Wall Street!)

From around the world:

Headlines:

Loggers escorted to work.
Paper currency no longer medium of exchange due to hording.
Scott Tissue’s 1000 sheet rolls selling for $100.00
Mr. Whipple mugged in parking lot on way to car.
Broad-leaved houseplants selling at phenomenal rate!
Newspapers make an incredible come-back! Murdock corners tabloid market!
Mysterious black smudges appear on many butts. CDC looking into it.
Newspaper carriers now more endangered than Pizza Delivery people.
Sears and Penny's catalogs disappearing fast!
Ex-lax goes bankrupt.
Congress debating Republican sponsored Butt Plug requirement for all citizens.
Toilet Paper replaces money as prizes on game shows; Howie Mandel’s “Roll or No Roll” cancelled!
Beans confiscated.
Wet Farts prohibited (Blackdog distressed!)
Bartering for Toilet Paper with Gasoline – 1 gallon for 10 sheets!
Record magazine subscriptions.
Libraries closed due to thefts.
Court decisions etched in stone.
Gideon Bibles no longer placed in Motels.
No diapers for the minivan generation.
11th Commandment Added: ”Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor’s toilet paper.”
No reason for Larry Craig to frequent restrooms!


Yeah, you think you got it bad now? Just wait for when Brian Williams gives us the bad news that bathroom rationing will be implemented by the Bushtapo (Hey? I like that word!)! If your ss(!) number is odd, you can use two sheets on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays.
Even numbered ss's Tuesdays, Thursdays and Saturdays.
Sundays are reserved only for use IF you attend any Xtian Church!
Major holidays allow the use of one extra sheet but only if you have a 9 to 5 job with weekends off. Poor salaried types will finally get their long desired National "August" Holiday; "Bring a Roll Home Day." They get an extra week 'end' to clean things up. (Grunts in the service sector that usually work holidays and/or weekends don't get the extra sheet.)

Yes sir! When the paper disappears, we really will be a nation in deep shit!

Stock up now!

Go ahead and laugh! But when the time comes and you think you’ll never get your fingers clean again, just remember I told you so!


UPDATE:
Visual help! Thanx, DW.


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