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Friday, May 9

"Mommy, Why is the Car Wasted?"

“Mommy, Why is the Car Wasted?”

First is was Daddy…

Nissan has turned into an old nag with a new gadget that will tell you to lay off the sauce once you turn on the car! It has “upped the ante” by upgrading their car-navigation system with a scolding voice warning you not to drive under the influence of alcohol – after 5:30. (Is that am or pm?)

But don’t worry, all you mixed-up, muffled up, carefree lushes, because now your car can get plastered for you!

E-Fuel says is the "world's first home ethanol product." It's a personal refinery system that hooks up to a water source, a power source, and a waste water disposal outlet, just like a washing machine! Hear that, Moms?

Just in time for Mothers Day, make her the toast of the town by ordering an E-Fuel 100 MicroFueler today! It only costs $9,995, but remember, there may be carbon tax credits on the state and federal level to subsidize the price. Yay!

Want one? Not so fast. First, you will need a federal license to produce alcohol (of which ethanol fuel is a form) which implies you either need to actually grow your own corn or are going to have to make several trips to Iowa in your pick-up truck to raid the local fields because, as demand soars, WHOLE FOODS will be rationing their ears of corn on a onesy-twosey basis. So how many stalks of corn does it take to produce an average, Volvo-sized tank of fuel? You guessed it: A SHITLOAD.

The good news is that apparently, the government isn't picky about handing out federal licenses to any Joe Sixpack and the approval process takes only “a matter of weeks.” Only a matter of weeks? I guess the Bush Administration, really, really does want to see everybody spend those tax rebate checks quickly. Well, if making moonshine for people got the masses through the Great Depression, what’s so wrong about wanting to help a few hundred million cars “take the edge off” this tanking economy on the race to the bottom while a few billion people are projected to starve?


Losing the War on Humor

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