President Bush and Colin Powell are sitting in a bar. A guy walks in and asks the barman, "Isn't that Bush and Powell sitting over there?"The barman says, "Yep, that's them."
So the guy walks over and says, "Wow, this is a real honor. What are you guys doing in here?"
Bush says, "We're planning WW III ".
And the guy says, "Really? What's going to happen?"
Bush says, "Well, we're going to kill 140 million Iraqis this time and one blonde with big boobs.
The guy exclaimed, "A blonde with big boobs? Why kill a blonde with big boobs?
Bush turns to Powell, punches him on the shoulder and says, "See, smart ass, I told you no one would worry about the 140 million Iraqis!"
A guy is hanging out in his favorite bar when he spots a fabulous babe walking in on the arm of some ugly guy. He asks the bartender about her and is surprised to discover that she's a prostitute. He watches her the rest of the night, amazed that someone so attractive could be available to him.
The next night he goes back to the bar, and sure enough she shows up again, only this time alone. The guy gets up his nerve and approaches her. "Is it true you're a prostitute?"
"Why, sure, big boy. What can I do for you?"
"Well, I dunno. What do you charge?"
"I get $100 just for a handjob. We can negotiate from there."
"$100 For a handjob? Are you nuts?"
"You see that Ferrari out there?"
The guy looks out the front door, and sure enough there's a shiny new Ferrari parked outside.
"I paid cash for that Ferrari with the money I made on handjobs. Trust me, it's worth it."
The guy mulls it over for a while, and decides what the hell. He leaves with her, and gets the most unbelievable experience he's ever had. This handjob was better than any complete sexual experience in his miserable life.
The next night he's back at the bar, waiting eagerly for her to show up. When she does, he immediately approaches her.
"Last night was incredible"
“Of course it was. Just wait ‘til you try one of my blowjobs."
"How much is that?"
"$500? C'mon, that's ridiculous."
“You see that building across the street?"
The guy looks out front at a 12 story building.
"I paid cash for that building with the money I made on blowjobs. Trust me, it's worth it."
Based on the night before, the guy decides to go for it. He leaves with her, and once again is not disappointed. He nearly blacks out twice from the pleasure he receives.
The next night he can hardly contain himself until she shows up. "I'm hooked, you're the best Tell me, what'll it cost me for some pussy?"
She motions for him to follow her outside. She points down the street, where between the buildings he can see
"Aw, c'mon, You can't mean that."
She nods her head. "You bet. If I had a pussy, I'd own
A girl came skipping home from school one day.
'Mommy, Mommy,' she yelled, 'we were counting today, and all the other kids could only count to four, but I counted to 10. See? 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10!'
'Very good,' said her mother.
'Is it because I'm blonde?' the girl said. 'Yes, it's because you're blonde,' said the mommy.
The next day the girl came skipping home from school. 'Mommy, Mommy,' she yelled, 'we were saying the alphabet today, and all the other kids could only say it to D, but I said it to G. See? A, B, C, D, E, F, G!'
'Very good,' said her mother.
'Is it because I'm blonde, Mommy?'
'Yes, it's because you're blonde.'
The next day the girl came skipping home from school. Mommy, Mommy,' she yelled, 'we were in gym class today, and when we showered, all the other girls had flat chests, but I have these!' And she lifted her tank top to reveal a pair of 36Cs.
'Very good,' said her embarrassed mother.
'Is it because I'm blonde, mommy?'
'No Honey, it's because you're 24.'
An Italian man enters his favorite ritzy restaurant and while sitting at his regular table, he notices a gorgeous woman sitting at a nearby table. ...Alone. He calls the waiter over and asks for the most expensive bottle of Merlot to be sent over to her, knowing that if she accepts it, she will be his. The waiter gets the bottle and quickly takes it to her saying who it came from. She looks at the bottle and decides to send a note over to the man. The note said "For me to accept this bottle, you must have a Mercedes in your garage, a million dollars in the bank , and 7 inches in your pants.." After reading the note, the man sends one back to her and it read: "Just so you know, I have a Ferrari Testarosa, a BMW 850 iL, and a Mercedes 560 sel, I have over 20 million in the bank, but not even for a woman as beautiful as you would I cut off 3 inches! Just send the bottle back.”
Miss Beatrice, the church organist, was in her eighties and had never been married. She was admired for her sweetness and kindness to all.
One afternoon the pastor came to call on her and she showed him into her quaint sitting room. She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea.
As he sat facing her old
When she returned with tea and scones, they began to chat. The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and He could no longer resist.
"Miss Beatrice", he said, "I wonder if you would tell me about this?" pointing to the bowl.
"Oh, yes," she replied, "Isn't it wonderful? I was walking through the Park a few months ago and I found this little package on the ground. The directions said to place it on the organ, keep it wet and that it would prevent the spread of disease. Do you know I haven't had the flu all winter."
What Kind Of Farter Are You?
· Vain: You love the smell of your own farts.
· Amiable: You love the smell of other people's farts.
· Proud: You think your farts are exceptionally fine.
· Shy: You release silent farts and then blush.
· Impudent: You boldly fart out loud and then laugh.
· Unfortunate: You try really hard to fart, but you poop instead.
· Scientific: You fart regularly but you're concerned about pollution.
· Nervous: You stop in the middle of your fart.
· Honest: You admit that you farted but offer good medical reasons.
· Dishonest: You far and then blame the dog.
· Foolish: You suppress your farts for hours.
· Thrifty: You always keep a couple of good farts in reserve.
· Anti-Social: When the need arises, you excuse yourself from the room and fart in private.
· Strategic: You fart and then conceal it with loud coughing.
· Sadistic: You fart in bed and then pull the cover up over your partner's head.
· Intellectual: You can determine from the smell of any fart exactly what food item had been consumed.
· Athletic: You fart at the slightest exertion.
· Miserable: You would love to let one out, but you are unable to fart.
· Sensitive: You fart and then start crying.