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Wednesday, March 19

Office of the President of the United States


Dear Mr. and/or Mrs. _______,

It is with extreme honor that I make this request of your family in light of the minor altercation you may have heard about in the middle east. I’m sorry if your son/daughter lost his/her life during those short five years of necessary conflict but I want to assure you that the people who benefit from his/her sacrifice are sincerely grateful.

Since we seem to be in need of strengthening our armed forces because of shortsightedness by previous administrations, I ask you to consider allowing us to enlist the aid of any children you might still have at home to help us in this inhumane, but necessary temporary struggle to bring Democracy to Iraq and Iran in the future and to ensure that the American Way of life most have come to enjoy will continue.

Please believe me when I tell you they will have the finest training and equipment money can buy; unlimited support in all their needs and reasonable duration of the term(s) of their short deployment.

Because of recruitment shortages, we are offering to pay up to $50,000 for your son/daughter for education after the successful completion of our involvement in Iraq/Iran/Syria/country to be announced. As an added bonus, we are offering to take care of your son/daughter at Walter Reed Hospital in the possible but unlikely event should anything unexpected befall them during their service to my country. Expense will be no object.

To make it easier to fulfill your obligation to provide any existing son/daughter to defend my country, the applications for enlistment are available at all Exxon-Mobile Stations, and with a fill up, you and your family will receive 10 free gallons of Iraqi-freed gasoline per year, compliments of this Administration. We’re also eliminating the outdated age clause for enlistment as we feel age discrimination works against a strong America. As a result, your 9th, 10th, 11th or 12th grader will certainly be welcome to finish his/her high school education after successful completion of his/her tour(s), all expenses paid.

If you don’t happen to have children that can fulfill your obligation to my country, or have already provided one and/or lost one or more, names, addresses and/or phone numbers of relatives, neighbors, minorities, illegal immigrants or other liberals will be considered as acknowledging your patriotic duty. Any information you provide will be held in the strictest confidence and very secure databases at the NSA, FBI, CIA, RNC and NRA and never released to any third party without your permission.

Thank you my fellow Americans, for your understanding of these urgent needs to
allow me to continue to provide a meaningful lifestyle to my many Americans who are entitled to one.


God Bless America,

George W. Bush (President)

Richard B. Cheney (Vice-President)

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