We have not taken lightly the responsibilities of developing a new sport, especially one that will likely receive international attention. We have spent many days and even weeks outlining what we believe are the proper standards for evaluating this event. First, we think depth and time of submersion should be the primary criteria, but the number of times an athlete manages to be submerged is another important factor in judging. There were some who, in our initial discussions, thought that points also should be given for the quality of actionable information obtained during the sporting competition, but this suggestion is still under consideration with the appropriate Olympic officials.Yes, it's a satire.
“I might remind you that snowboarding may have its slalom, its half-pipe, but our sports advisers have developed waterboarding’s own competitive categories, such as the triple gasp, and the full-steam ahead. We believe that our application to the Olympic Committee will soon be accepted, in time for the necessary preparations leading to the 2008 Olympic competition in Beijing, China—a country, I understand, with its own unique waterboarding traditions.
“Finally, this initiative should go a long way toward silencing the critics of our efforts in the War on Terror. How could even the most negative nay-sayers possibly define healthy athletic training as ‘undue coercion,’ or accuse a legitimate Olympic event of being ‘torture’?
Thursday, September 21
Excerpt from Let’s Catch the Wave of Waterboarding!: