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Sunday, February 19

My Bags Are Packed---I'm Ready To Go

I swear, to hear ppl tell it, nobody ever just went in for surgery without dying or wishing they would die. There always seems to be a competition about who had the most intolerable level of pain, who had the the meanest doctor, and , of course, who had the most cruel, heartless, and unfeeling nurses. To hear these post-op tales would led one to believe that if a person retired as a torturer in a Turkish prison, or just got bored being one, they would get hired on as a nurse. That they would play the fiddle and dance a jig while the doctor yanked your eyeballs out and then stiched ya up with bailing wire (if your lucky, cuz they would prefer to let ya bleed to death).

I have spent my entire adult life in mortal dread of being "put under" in surgery. So firmly I am convinced of the treachery that now that I find myself in need of these services, I am......well, I am in a state, is all I can tell ya.

I'm leaving today for Mayo Clinic. I've been up since three a.m., baking about eight thousand of my famous chocolate-chip cookies........enough for the nurses who will actually be attending my surgery as well as all the nurses on the floor for every shift that day I arrive. I'm taking no chances with any of them. I'll arrive on the scene bearing gifts------and edible ones at that.

It doesn't hurt that I am what is known as a good patient. I do what the doctors say. I don't complain. I don't whine. I always thank everybody for everything they do for me, and I don't ask them to do stuff I can easily do myself. Yes, they are paid to take care of you, they are not, howerver, paid to take shit from you. And they are not maids. Nurses are people, for crying out loud, and they are people who have a direct effect on the quality of your hospital experience, therefore, it behooves you, as a patient (read: helpless, at their mercy) to be nice to these people. I have often marveled at the sheer, stupid bravado of sick people with balls enough to treat their caregivers like crap. What are they thinking? It's the same with ppl who are rude to waiters and waitresses. Yes, they will spit in your food and they should. Everybody within a six-table distance of you would love to come spit in your food, you asshole.....they're doing it for the team.

Moral: Be nice to people who are doing something for you, whether it's bringing drugs and bedpans or drinks and fries.


I want to thank all of you for your warm and best wishes. Y'all are the best, and I'll miss ya somethin fierce.

Oh, and for good measure, I'll be wearing my best tiara, and spurs, during the whole ordeal. Just in case they don't know, by gawd, I'm somebody, dadgumit!

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