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Friday, March 18

My Hors Are Moning

It may be true--and we certainly believe that it is---that everything in the world happens or does not happen as a result of blow jobs, given or withheld. But there is something else at work here, too, at the very core of it all----an unseen but nonetheless irresistible force of nature that controls virtually everything, at least not his planet, and thanks to NASA, somewhat beyond. I am speaking of hormones. Hormones-----specifically OURS----are the boss of everything. Somebody somewhere gets pissed off and launches something that incinerates somebody else somewhere else, but why is he being such a butthead? Because he didn't get the blow job he felt entitled to, or worse, because somebody else got the blow job he felt he was entitled to. But why did he not get his rightful blow job? My bet is on hormones.

We all like to think that all our actions and reactions are totally rational and appropriate to each and every situation. In fact, we bear hot resentment towards any male-type who presumes to diagnose our slight hormonal trough or surge. And if we do happen to be in a hormone-induced state, nothing makes us madder than to have a man suggest it. We can say that about ourselves if we feel like it, but woe be unto the man who tries to blame our reaction to his bad behavior on our little estrogen, plus or minus. The words "towering rage" were first used to describe just such a situation.

Witness these hormonal events: A woman, who shall remain nameless, call her friend and makes the report that, not only does she not love her husband, she no longer even like him. "Yesterday I was looking out the window and he was walking across the yard, when all of a sudden---he fell in a hole! One second he was there, the next he just dropped out of sight! I started laughing and I could not stop!" She laughed so hard, she fell down and just lay there, in a heap, cackling and whooping till the tears ran down her face and she had big black puddles of melted mascara all over her cheeks. Presently she heaved herself up by the window ledge and peered out. By this time, he was dragging himself out of the hole and she realized he had hurt himself in some manner. "I started laughing all over again! I never laughed so hard in all my life. I thought to myself, 'Just stay in that hole, you old fart!' and I laughed some more!' Eventually she calmed herself down, and he managed to haul his carcass in from the yard. She glanced up as he entered, and he said to her, "You will never believe what just happened to me." She, with a completely straight face, replied, "Oh?" What was that?"

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