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Friday, March 11

32 RULES FOR BEING A GOOD REPUBLICAN

I didn't write this. I don't know who did. I am a bad Republican.

1. You have to believe that the nation's 8-year prosperity was due to the work of Ronald Reagan and George Bush, but that today's gas prices, the fifteen year high in unemployment, the unprecedented federal deficits (largest in history), the increasing inflation, lack of jobs, increased poverty, increased insurance costs, and all the deaths in Iraq are all Bill Clinton's fault.

2. You have to despise government programs, but expect Social Security checks on time.

3. You have to have faith that a tax break for the wealthy that takes away child credits for the poor is going to make poor people go away so that we are all rich.

4. You have to believe that government should stay out of peoples' lives, yet you want government to regulate same-sex marriages, gays in the work place and government ending or not ending pregnancies, what you can watch on TV or listen to on radio and CD’s or read in magazines, what you can use the flag for, being molested by untrained clerical security people in airports, being photographed and taped in public places, and what official language should be spoken by you.

5. You have to believe that pollution is okay, so long as it makes a profit. It is even better if it's in another state. Better still if it is another country.

6. You have to sponsor prayer in public schools, as long as you don't pray to Allah or Buddha. (But Scientology and “Mooneys” are fine as long as they are big donors, and despite the rest of the world’s opinion, Reagan confirmed they are not “cults.”)

7. You have to believe that only your own teenagers are still virgins.

8. You have to believe that a woman cannot be trusted with decisions about herself, but that large multi-national corporations should have no regulations or interference.

9. You love Jesus and Jesus loves you and you're absolutely positive that Jesus shares your hatred of AIDS victims, homosexuals, labor unions, aliens and Hillary Clinton. (P.S., he must also agree with you on supporting the death penalty, despite what it says he said in the Bible.)

10. You have to believe that society is color-blind and growing up black in America doesn't diminish your opportunities, but you still wouldn't ever vote for Allan Keyes (but Jesse Helms, Lippy Dole and Strom Thurmond are really OK).

11. You have to believe that it was wise to allow Ken Starr to spend more than $100 million in tax dollars to attack Clinto. Presidents have never been unfaithful to their wives.

12. You have to declare that a waiting period for purchasing a handgun is bad because quick access to a new firearm is an important concern for all Americans, including children, terrorists and felons.

13. You have to believe it is wise to keep condoms out of schools because, of course, if teenagers don't have condoms they won't have sex.

14. You have to believe that the ACLU is bad for defending the Constitution, while the NRA is good for defending the Constitution.

15. You have to believe the AIDS virus is not important enough to deserve federal funding proportionate to the resulting death rate and that the public doesn't need to be educated about it, because if we just ignore it, it will go away.

16. You have to believe that biology teachers are corrupting the morals of 6th graders if they teach them the basics of human sexuality, but the Old Testament, which is full of sex and violence, is good reading at any age.

17. You have to believe that Chinese communist missiles and war mongers have killed more Americans than handguns, alcohol, and tobacco combined, and therefore we must spend most of our tax dollars in a space weapons system against them.

18. You have to excuse George Jr. for his years of cocaine abuse, alcoholism, marital infidelities, aborting his pregnant girlfriend Robin Lowman, and spousal abuse, but Clinton should have been impeached for having oral sex in the White House.

19. You have to believe that even though governments have supported the arts for 6000 years and that most of the great works of Renaissance art were paid for by governments, our government should shun any such support. After all, the rich can afford to buy their own and the poor don't need any.

20. You have to believe that the lumber from the last one percent of old growth U.S. forests is well worth the destruction of those forests and the extinction of the several species of plants and animals therein, so the owners can make their profit.

21. You have to believe that we should forgive and pray for Newt Gingrich, Bob Barr, Henry Hyde, Trent Lott, Arlen Spector, and Bob Livingston for their many and continued marital infidelities, but that that bastard, Bill Clinton and his wife, should never, ever be forgiven.

22. You firmly believe that International Treaties only count if we like them today.

23. You know it is all right to disseminate and print all the falsehoods and lies possible about the Clintons, but to talk about Dubyah’s record of years of alcoholism and cocaine abuse, D.U.I.’s, spousal abuse, the Bush twins’ arrests for illegal use of alcohol, Jena’s posing for nudie calendars, or Neil Bush’s felonies for illegal loans and bankrupting Silverado S & L, or Jeb Bush’s marital problems, infidelities and his daughter’s cocaine addiction are personal, private and off limits for the press.

24. You have to still believe that George was really telling the truth about Weapons of Mass Destruction.

25. You have to believe that we really could have gotten Bush’s business partner, Osama bin Laden if it hadn’t been for that bastard, Bill Clinton.

26. You have to believe the fact that Prescott Bush (George’s father) should not ever have been indicted for trading with the Nazi’s during WWII, despite the fact he never gave up his German bank which helped finance Hitler (whom he called, “a good Christian who supported law and order”), and continued to run it after the war with the help of Averill Harriman (another Nazi financier.)

27. You should believe that it doesn’t really make any difference that George H.W.Bush was the one who armed Osama during the 80’s and early 90’s, and gave nerve gas and other banned chemicals to Sadaam in the 90’s because “they were on our side.”

28. You have to believe that George W. Bush REALLY won the election in 2000, in spite of the 600,000 plus vote plurality for Al Gore, and the unprecedented interference of the U. S. Supreme Court in appointing Bush the president, 5 to 4.

29. You have to believe no matter how corrupt the Bush family is, the Kennedy family is worse.

30. You have to believe that no mater how often and how big the lies are that the Bush administration tells, that if they repeat them often enough, loudly enough and call anybody who points them out “traitors” and “anarchists” that they will make them fact.

31. You have to believe in changing the rules to insulate Tom DeLay from any loss of privilege and power while he is convicted of a variety of felonies.

32. You have to believe that if George surrounds himself with incompetent ass kissing “yes” men and fawning females that he can make better decisions.

33. And last, that the tax break gave rich Republicans so much money that they bought George a second term despite the facts, and he will be long, long gone before we really have to pay the deficits back.

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